It’s Been a While…

Sorry to my few followers..

I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted..

I doubt any of you even noticed anyway..

Well, I’ve been busy, lazy, injured, physically AND… emotionally busy, injured and lazy… 


So! My thoughts for today- What is Love… exactly?


  I could post COUNTLESS pics – memes – whatever you call them…

O000h..Kaaay.. I get that…


You’re getting closer…


THAT sounds about right…


Okay!  Now we’ve collected enough random quotes to basically describe what “LOVE”… true, sick, honest, beautiful, wonderful, hateful, jealous, painful, once-in-a-life-time “True Love”.

(that’s MY cupid.. )

I’m so sickly, head-over-heels in love…  No matter WHAT, I love my man…

::insert picture of my sexy fiancee::

(Naaaaht! [in best “Borat” accent])

(I won’t post his real pic out of respect and privacy)

He’s the smartest, most talented, brave, tough, sensitive, loving and most wonderful man I ever met.. despite his faults.. (and, fortunately, he feels the same about mine.. [which are many]… most of the time…)

As per “Juno” (one of the greatest cinimatic movies of that generation)

“In my opinon, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.” 
― Diablo CodyJuno: The Shooting Script

Aaaaand… that’s pretty much what I gots.. (don’t be jelly..  😉


Sure- we fight.. He says mean things, I say mean thingswe hurt each other – but ONLY because we know how!   (I think that’s a testament of our deep and profound Love and relationship..) 

The fact that (so far) we’ve managed to work it all out… eventually…  shows how deeply we know, understand and respect each other.  It’s kinda a “Catch 22”, so to speak.. because as much as we push each other’s buttons, we ALSO know how to push the good ones!  😉

It’s not always “great”..  There are A LOT of tears shed, on both parts… BUT there is a TON of FUN also!

(IMHOLove & Hate are two sides of the same coin..)

Think about it; is there someone, who may or may not be in your life, that at one point you LOVED but now HATE?  (that’s for cereal..)

Likewise, is there someone whom you truly think you HATE that you actually never even LIKED?

Well, the my friends isn’t Hate (you just despise them..)

TOTALLY different!


Anyway, I LITERALLY would rather do nothing with HIM than anything with ANY ONE else!  I know that sounds lame.. but it’s TRUE! (and actually love)

Awwww… so true..


Awwwz.. even MORE true and adorable!


WAIT!  Now hold up a hot minute before you stop reading!  …I have a real TRUTH and/or test of sorts for you!I’ma let you in on a little-known, and completely true, testament of TRUE Love… (with out awkward convos or spilling out “I Love You” TOO SOON!)


Okay- first, we set the “stage”

  • You two are having a meal or a snack, watching The Martian  (perhaps you ordered a shitty salad or no fun pop corn – and he has a freaken delicious “man food”.. which he is more than happy to give you a bite of..)  Suddenly – out of nowhere, your stupid salad or fat-free popcorn is gone and yet- he still has about 3 bites left of greasy “man food”.


  • One of two things WILL happen:
  • He will continue to devoir his food and lick his greasy fingers in a very unsexy way,
  • OR he will offer your glazed-over-eyes-and-slightly-watering-mouth THE LAST BITE (sometimes two bites!) …and sexily let YOU lick the grease off his fingers.  (ok… that last part might be gross.. IDK..)  


Either way – there is a subconscious act happening!  

  • Scenario One– you are just straight up BOOTY to him!  :/  (ain’t no shame in the game if that’s what’s up)
  • Scenario Two– He Loooooves you!  🙂   By giving you that tiny morsel he is tapping into his “primal instinct” to “provide” for you.. AKA – not just bump uglyies, but have cave babies with you!  (if that’s what’s up of course.)


This is a tried, true and tested method of finding his emotions without being stupid and “having a talk” with him.. Guys HATE that shit! (well, MOST guys..)


TRUST me on this one!  My Love always saves me a bite (or at least offers..) and it makes my heart just SOAR! 


 

OK- so, that’s my brief take on certain, yet important, points of love..

Hope this dropped some Zen on ya!  Be well!

– light & love, Katness


Live..

(Preemptive: I may have borrowed this and/or some of the prose… I found it in an unmarked conversation in which I wasn’t sure if I was the writer or the recipient… I changed so much of it, that it barely matters… My apologies to whomever I borrowed words.. I feel I adapted enough of it to my own.. you were just an inspiration… Thank you though…)

******************************
Live…

I live in a time and place-
Where little nothing’s mean everything,
and your everything is my tomorrow,
your kisses are words,
my mouth your ears.
Our voices just silhouettes in silence.
In this place,
you mean more than nothing to me.

I lived in a time and place-
where time once stood still.
Looks were blind,
touch was pain,
and in this place-
you were lost to me.
I couldn’t see past my void.
You were my blind pain, 
and I meant more than nothing to you,

You lived in a time and place-
Where your soft, caring eyes,
your confident voice,
your creative soul,
and unbridled passion
were masked just
under the weight of your own fear.
Your brilliance,
just hidden.
Naïve ignorance-
purely unjustified,
because you were missing my nothing.

I lived in a time and place-
where my simples lyrics,
beautiful sighs,
and naked body,
were looking to fill a void
Trying with trysts that were
despicable and despised
Hate was the new love.
Unknowingly, blindly,
still missing your nothing.

Now-

We live in a time and place-
where beauty is in the eye
of the beholder,
but everyone is blind.
We don’t see ourselves
through our own eyes.
They say-
An eye for an eye,
leaves us all blind,
yet that’s not the case.
I see you,
and you see me.

We live in this time and place-
where backwards became forwards.
Our tears once formed rivers,
waterfalls, and filled lakes.
Now, the sun only comes out at night,
where libations break down walls,
only to build them up again,
then down,
and up.
Callouses forming each time.

I live in a time and place-
where you and I now
share the same space.
Take all the past,
throw it away.
Start our new path,
and make every day okay.
Better yet,
make the future,
our future,
perfect for you and me.
I’ll love you forever
as long as you forgive me forever.

Here again… A Love Story

Well, seems I write my best late at night, when everything is still & quiet..

So- I’m going to tell you a story.  It’s not a story that pertains to my current life – not really something I particularly dwell on – just something I saw on TV that made me think about it.

Once upon a time – as all great stories go – there was a was a man and a woman… destined? I’m not sure – love – I’m completely sure.  Not at ALL like the love I have now… The love I have now is pure and true..  But the love back then was younger, a little more stupid, a little more unpredictable, and clearly – not meant to be.  ::spoiler alert::  He didn’t make it… at all…

As the song goes – “I’ll start from the very beginning, a very good place to start…”

I was 18 – young, dumb and full of myself… He was 24, young, and full of HIMself… but not dumb… in fact he was so worldly and knowledgeable and I think that is what drew me in.

We met at a seedy bar – Kareoke Night – he was hanging out with the DJ – I thought he worked there… I got up and drunkenly sang “Closer” by NIN (I LOVE NIN)

Afterwards, I plopped back at my table – half embarrassed, half exhilarated… half hysterical… then I feel a tap on my shoulder – (I feel like I should tell you what I looked like – 5’10”, l 60,  short pixy cut hair, pierced lip, 5-6 holes in my ears, wide leg jeans, and a tank top… It was the 90’s, I was trying to pull off this punk rock /raver/ goth thing… He was just in jeans and a yellow shirt – BUT he also had a pierced lip…)

So after the tap on my shoulder all he said was “I like that thing in your lip…” Stumbling and flabbergasted and tripping over my Words – all I could say was “I like that thing in YOUR lip…” Him: “I can’t believe you just sang that”  Me: “Yeah, well, I’m a little drunk…”  giggled… blushed… and that was it… We exchanged numbers – talked on the phone every night – found out he owned a record shop (How Awesome?) and after a few dates, that’s where we spent the majority of the time.

Now- the rest of the story is blurry.. He loved, and I loved- he despised – I followed like a puppy who just tinkled on the carpet.   We danced- broke up- got back together – I got him the most thoughtful gifts – He got me wilted flowers and pregnant a day late after Valentine Day, I gave all I could… it wasn’t good enough.

After We broke up – in a diner – left we with the check – so I dumped food & cigarettes all over his car…. THEN –  My so – called – best- friend took up my sloppy seconds.

Now- I don’t know EXACTLY what happened next… Just that I found out he Killed Himself- found out while I was in the parking lot of a hotel in which we made love and debochory.

That night I saw him and wished he were dead… words I will never utter again.

He Was a talented, beautiful, smart waste of life.  Not a day goes by that I don’t miss him or wonder what or where he’d be right now..

Point of story; suicide is NEVER the answer…  You leave behind to many broken hearts and unanswered questions… I’ve thought about it… then I think of him – and all the mess I’d leave behind… including, most importantly, my soon to be husband, my cat & my family and friends.

You may feel alone- but you’re NOT!  Yoh will leave an unattainable, empty hole SOMEWHERE…

He may not have been my greatest love- but he was my first – and I see him everywhere… My Adonis.

Velvet Knife

 

Drowning in his words.
Dying from his touch.
Slicing my Love
with his velvet knife.
Invading my fruit
like a life bearing demon.

And then he’s gone.

Tiny movements touch my heart,
my stomach all in knots.
Mourning with bile.
Not from loss but from life.
Craving things I’ve never known.
Crying things no one understands.

And from the darkness.

My Savior armed with a smile
and a tear.
Angry and confused,
both of us ashamed.
Questions answered
over a plastic cup of antibodies.

And I’m alone again.

Sprawled out on a magic table.
Two carcasses of Love
Suffering from different kinds of pain.
Counting backwards into the fog.
Then she was gone from me
with a velvet knife.
My gift of life just a memory of love

Collide into You

The universe
blew us as far apart as possible
only to bring us back together

The universe
expanding and contracting
just like our love

Little did we know
everything we went through
happened the same way

Years have passed
but not a single minute
one look and I was back.

I always knew we were epic
but had no idea
how much I missed you.

So much hurt and hate
dissolved with one smile
one laugh and I forgot.

How do you do this
to me you’re still a mystery
yet familiar and home.

All I need now
is a kiss to seal it
to make sure I’m not crazy.

Maybe I am
which means so are you
crazy in me.

Unbroken to You

I’ve said-
I love you,
a million and one times.
I’ve said –
I miss you,
to a million and one people.
I’ve dated and loved
and lost and hurt,
as many times as
I’ve been alive in years.

I’ve loved and missed
I’ve been lost and hurt,
by him.. because of him.
I thought he broke me forever.

He was the worst.
Destroyed doesn’t even begin
to describe the hell
I’ve been through.
Never did I think
I’d say it again.
Or would,
or should
say anything again,
much less to him.

I thought broken was forever.

Yet, just one night,
that’s all it took.
wrapped up in his body,
his soul,
his eyes,
his everything I forgot. 
Something changed.
At first I was doubtful
that what I felt was real. 
But then,
I just said it again.

A flood of unbroken..
I love you.
I miss you.
I trust you.
Again.

Intro is Over: This is what’s on my mind today

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Today I have love on the brain… Specificly, my fiancé.

I think he’s great… so do most people that KNOW him.  First impessions can be misleading- he’s shy, a little rough around the edges, and not without fault… but who isn’t really?  Certainly not I… I’m not even sure WHY he loves a mess such as myself… haha…

However – for me, the sun rises and sets with him.  He is kind, loving, brilliant and as sarcastic as they come.  We are frick and frack, Yin & Yang, peas &… well you get it…

The real reason we are inseperable and disgustingly in love is because this is our second time around.  We screwed the pooch TEN years ago and by some grace of whatever you beleive in we found our way back together.

I don’t want to dwell on what went wrong… rather, what went RIGHT… Durring  our time apart we had nearly identical lives… even though he was in NY and I in NJ… we both strugged, suffered, loved, loss, and had no stable home…

Then we crashed together-like the stars and the moons… We GREW… We learned… We realized we were impossible with out each other…

It was like not a day had passed… within a couple months we were engaged!  It was like a fairytale… with a few bumps & bruises… but they were necissary…  Had to work out that missing time…

POINT OF STORY:  Love, forgiveness, hope and fate are real!

He’s my soul twin- my everything- We have the same twisted, silly, and strange sense of humor… we are on the same frequency, I know what he’ll say before he does… He knows exactly when I need extra love, and I rather do nothing with him than anything with anyone else… and  most of all- I can’t imagain life without him…

So for all you nay-sayers, humbuggers  and negitive Nancies… I say – BELIEVE!  Love is out there for everyone.  If *I* can find this, anyone can!  I thought for sure I’d die a crazy old cat lady… haha…

ok! it’s late, I’m tired, and I need to cuddle my love…