Angry… and There’s Little I Can Do About It!

Angry… and There’s Little I Can Do About It!

Ok… SOOOOO… kind of a lot is going on right now..

ALOT


Not just in MY world.. that kind of thinking is very egocentric.

The world in general feels very angsty.

ANGSTY


However… these are MY ramblings so I shall air my grievances.

Gz1J1LA


First of all, you should know that I am generally a positive, kind, generous, understanding, and forgiving person… for the most part.

To actually get me truly angry isn’t easy.  My main triggers are; selfishness, cruelty, being disrespectful, unnecessary greed, and overall lack of compassion.

I tend to aggressively avoid people and situations that get me triggered.

warning


Regardless… people happen.

I don’t feel comfortable explaining the back story here.  It’s pretty personal.. not just to myself but to a family who is grieving.

Anyway… two people really upset me.

The first being someone who is in a compromised emotional state, therefore I felt guilty being angry with her.

This guilt quickly dissipated the more she contacted me.

anger merter


I feel like I pretty much kept my cool…

Until….  I spoke to, what I thought would be, a calming person.

Ha!

Nope!

This newt person in my life just contributed to said anger rising!


I felt dejected.

Rainbow_Dash_dejected_S4E04


Alone.

ALONE


Broken down.

BROKEN DOWN


Stupid.

STUPID


Worthless.

WORTHLESS


 

Worst of all… I felt wrong… and wronged!!   Like MY emotions had no value.   As if one of the people I count on the most in life just abandoned me.

That, my friends, is an epicly awful feeling…

ABANDONED


 

I wish I could explain specifics..

Maybe at a later time.

Anyway…  this all happened yesterday.

I slept on it.

I feel less shitty.

My wonderful boyfriend helped me put things into perspective.


emo v logic sign

I tend to think with emotions rather than logic. 

emo v logic scale


 

I’m fairly confident that things will pan out.

sucsess


 

If not…

…oh well?


 

Later Bitches!

KATTNESS

Kattness

 

Advertisements

I’m Kinda at a Loss…

I’m Kinda at a Loss…

I want to write something meaningful, BUT…

There are mainly three things on my mind on a regular basis… ok, FOUR really… but two are a combo.

1.) My boyfriend/Love of my Life

a.) Spending Time with him

b.) Making Love to Him

2.) My Adorable, Fun & Endlessly Entertaining Cat

3.) Food… all of it.


That’s SUCH an understatement!!!

My mind is in a perpetual whirlwind of questions, longing, pondering, imaginary scenarios and day dreams.

However, the “Main Three” are usually the basis of such mind trees and mental tangents.


It’s actually kinda rough.

Sounds awful, right?!


…but seriously, I’m basically in a constant state of wonder, curiosity and intrigue.

It’s like being a cat on acid…

…which is probably pretty close to being a human on acid…

soooo idfk.. just that I’m NOT on acid… I just think too much.


The END



Light & Love

Writer’s Block

Writer’s Block

Writer’s block is a condition, primarily associated with writing, in which an author loses the ability to produce new work, or experiences a creative slowdown.



I have zero idea why I haven’t been writing…



That’s a lie.

I’ve been busy… and by that, I mean procrastinating, waisting time, and having fun with life. Any of the following are to blame and/or have been taking up my usual writing time;

  • Most importantly- My new love

We ALL know I love LOVE, not only that… but how much time just evaporates when spending it with someone new and amazing… right?

  • Social Media

I WAS taking a break from it… Maybe I’ll write WHY later.. (it’s almost unbelivable…) So… another break has begun!

  • YouTube “Rabbit holes”

“Down the rabbit hole”, a metaphor for an entry into the unknown, the disorienting or the mentally deranging, from its use in Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

It can really waste the Time, has made me late for things, neglect housework, and stay up in to the wee hours of the night. It also usually ends up directing to something sad or gross.

(an actual example)

Like, how did I go from DYI hair cuts to kids with rare illness? Or from Steve Harvey clips to disgusting black head removals?!

(Hahaha! Yeah right! I quit Social Media… must I STARVE?!)

  • My Family

I’m not even going to get in to that one…

Okay… so, that probably makes zero sense. Unless, of course, you’ve read “The Spoon Theory”. No?! …go ahead! I’ll wait.

I think that’s about it!


On that note… I gotta stop this roll I’m on!


Hope that was… something…

To Be Continued…

Light & Love, bitches!

– Katness

You Belong Here…

You Belong Here…

..That’s what they told me when I was in the ER for hallucinating and being sleep deprived..

Straitjacket.jpg


Thusly, I was admitted to the Psych Ward of that hospital for opiate addiction of all things… (despite my negative tox screen..) My real problem was too much Vyvanse and not enough Xanax, drifting in and out of lucid dreaming, too much TV and not enough time out of my room. What I really needed was a sedative, a nap and a paranoia reality check!

NO SLEEP


P.S. Psych Wards in actual hospitals are the worst places to put a “supposed” addict, (who’s in mind numbing pain, and couldn’t even get an Advil..) which wasn’t what I needed treatment for anyway..


I could start telling you all the crazy stuff I was prescribed at the time.. or all the crazy stuff I supposedly “hallucinated” (maybe I am crazy for thinking it was real..)


 


download (1)


safe_image


but that might be a different story for a different time…


The point is; the actual place I was forced to stay in was a dirty, disgusting, degrading, uncomfortable, and overall miserable and mind numbing establishment!

insane_65


Conditions At Willowbrook State School


1


It was one of the most stupid and biggest waste of time I’ve ever spent.

Even better was they made it seem like it was my choice, but if I DIDN’T sign, I’d lose the chance to leave in 3 days, (which never happens btw.. it’s just the carrot on a stick..) OR I could be involuntarily committed, in which case, I’d have to be there for an indeterminate amount of time. (Thanks, Mom..)


I ended up there about a week… barely ate, the food was a disgrace because they served the whole hospital FIRST so when our wing… actually, technically it was another building, finally got it (late, naturally) it was soggy and cold… and usually unrecognizable! The only decent foodthey occasionally tossed our way was either yogurt, pudding or, what I found to be putrid, the “Crustables” …pre packaged PB&J with no crusts… like crusts were too dangerous for us!

hospital-food


Then there’s my fellow patients who were not only co-ed, but co-issues!

We had:

  • schizoid
  • borderline
  • PTSD
  • brain damage (from an OD)
  • things I couldn’t even identify!
  • ..and a rainbow of other mental health problems

mixed with addicts in all:

  • shapes
  • sizes
  • ages
  • personalities (or lack there of)
  • manners
  • social standing
  • brain function
  • and D.O.C. (Drug of Choice)

3d-printed-pills-personalizing-medicine4.jpg


Ironically, I still couldn’t sleep -which was why I was there in the first place – because I was sleeping on a piece of plywood with a one inch, poor excuse of a mattress.

Alarm clock showing 3 a.m.


It kinda worked out because I was usually first awake and could get the fresh towels that didn’t smell like wet dog, (why did hospital towels smell like wet dog?!) I could shower in peace.. in a somewhat clean shower that begged the question; “By whom and when was this place cleaned?!” …because it still had that band-aid stuck to it from yesterday and some curious dark stains on the tile…

Afterward, I was allowed to wash the few pieces of clothing I had. Mama didn’t know what to bring… my brother should be visiting shortly, hopefully he can grab something cute! (Missed the mark a little… people thought I worked there!! I was soooo not prepared for this!)

gross-shower.jpg


It was a real treat… the only things I took from the experience were; being able to touch and help a few lives, learned some new tricks, and how to convince people I’m not crazy… even though I still believe.. 😉

wpc365e25c_02.jpg


It did not:

  • do my psyche/mental health any good.
  • dieter me from using my prescription opiates.
  • teach me anything I didn’t already know.
  • provide me with a realistic after care plan.

It DID:

  • embarrass me.. in front of family, friends and worst of all, an old friend/co-worker who just so happened to work there…
  • introduce me to a cute, funny, seemingly normal guy… who ended up eight shades of crazy! (What did I expect?!)
  • give me a funny story to tell, at least…

Word of Advice to Self:

Next time, keep your crazy bottled up like normal people!!


I feel like I have more to add, but I need to join reality now…


Later, Bitches! 💖

50f5ac2ba51809240ca1f37b4062e166--tattoo-cat-cat-tattoos



P.S. – This is me an’ my girls jam from the weekend!! (We just look like good girls.. ) 😉

Bad Girls

Adultery, Cheating, “Emotional” Cheating, Lies & Other Things we do…

Adultery, Cheating, “Emotional” Cheating, Lies & Other Things we do…

…are they ever justified? Forgivable? Are we able to “move forward“? ”Forget the past“? “Live and let learn?” …or any other cliche to make us feel better?

Cliché-man-Anyone-for-rhubarb-e1410220945912.jpg


I just watchd a TV show where deplorable acts were just fixed with simple sorries or lust- filled ignorant bliss! Either that, or dramatic overtures of hatred and spite, followed by eternal silence.

Are those our only options?


What is REALLY the apporpiriate response when the deepest of trust is broken, shattered, cracked or just nicked?

resize-img

Trust is like a mirror,

you can fix it if it’s broken,

but you can still see the crack

in that mother fucker’s reflection.

– Lady Gaga


I suppose every stitch is different…


3b6235b282f2653d8d66c39f2f1ce82c--brand-new-lyrics-teacher


Personally- I forgave… didn’t quite forget.. (at first..)

0e9b4b5acb57e8cd06f9c79dc3a8856b--heart-broken-broken-hearted


Other times- vengence was on the menu.

Daughter-Of-Vengeance-2-vocaloid-22805204-481-360


Yet, others- don’t even register on my radar any more…

2017-08-22 08.34.04


THEN- I wonder: what about when I was the offender?

women_prison_flickr_giandomenico_ricci2_0

How was I perceived?

Am I secretly hated somewhere? Did I break a heart? Have I been forgiven or forgotten? Immortalized? Cursed?


Is it different when a man betrays a womanor vice versa?

2017-08-22 08.43.44


Who hurts whom worse?

401bdcb7ec1fb92f5d175fd72cf7b6dc


My bet is on us, Females!

We may ACT like it hurts more.. but 98% of the time, the MEN loose more..

That’s right… I said it…


Later, Bitches!

💖 Katness

50f5ac2ba51809240ca1f37b4062e166--tattoo-cat-cat-tattoos.jpg

HELP SAVE THE VAPE!!

I don’t know how many of you that read this “vape”.. but we are in serious trouble…
CASAA Logo_100px

Petition Your Legislator NOW to Support HR 2058!

Help save the U.S. vapor industry from

being decimated by improper regulations by the FDA!

The FDA Deeming Authority Clarification Act of 2015 (HR 2058), introduced by Representative Tom Cole of Oklahoma, would save the U.S. vapor industry from being decimated by improper regulations by the FDA. This bill would amend the Food, Drug, and Cosmetics Act to change the predicate date for “deemed tobacco products.” This change would allow for all vapor products currently on the market to remain on the market without being subject to the burdensome (read: prohibitive) pre-market FDA approval application process.

The government is trying to place strict rules on vapes, their flavors, and business selling these products.

In New Jersey, this  explains the bill they are trying to pass.

I’m not sure what’s going on in other states, but it can’t be good..  The above group, CASAA, (Consumer Advocates for Smoke-free Alternatives Association) are working hard to stop, postpone and/or change the bill.  However, they need your help!

truth is freedom(click above to visit their Facebook page)

Many people have misconstrued opinions on vaping:

  • It’s promoting kids to smoke because of their wide variety of flavors
  • The “e-juice” is harmful
  • Vaping around others is dangerous
  • The vapes themselves explode and or catch fire

…and probably other things.

In reality, vaping is perfectly safe (when used properly) and the flavors DO NOT cater to kids- rather adults that don’t want to smell or taste smoke!   E-juice is made from food grade material available to the public and may even be available without nicotine.   Also, unlike cigarettes, there is no such thing as “second-hand smoke”, just water vapor- which you may smell sometimes, but is harmless!  As far as the devices being dangerous, that comes from people misusing them and making their own improperly.

Click here for the TRUTH about vaping!

My Personal Experience

I’m not exactly sure when I started vaping, probably around 2001 or so.  Prior to that I got bronchitis  Every Single Year that I smoked.  Since I quit, guess what?  I only got sick when I was at a concert which banned the use of vaping, yet had an enormous smoking section!

Unfortunately, when I drink I need to smoke vape.. so without my vape I resorted to cigs and got very sick..  If that’s not proof, I don’t know what is!

Now, I gradually reduce the amount of nicotine in my e-juice but will probably still vape with zero because I just like it and it keeps me away from evil cigs.

So, now that Big Tobaccohandgun wants to regulate, limit and/or ban vaping, we won’t have the same options.


This is truly a nightmare and a perfect example of corruption between government and the tobacco industry.  corupt

We need to ban together and stop Big Brother from telling us what to do!

 

That’s all for now..

-Kat

 

 

Live..

Live..

Preemptive: I may have borrowed this and/or some of the prose… I found it in an unmarked conversation in which I wasn’t sure if I was the writer or the recipient… I changed so much of it, that it barely matters… My apologies to whomever I borrowed words.. I feel I adapted enough of it to my own.. you were just an inspiration… Thank you though…

******************************
Live…

I live in a time and place
Where little nothing’s mean everything,
and your everything is my tomorrow,
your kisses are words,
my mouth your ears.
Our voices just silhouettes in silence.
In this place,
you mean more than nothing to me.


I lived in a time and place
where time once stood still.
Looks were blind,
touch was pain,
and in this place-
you were lost to me.
I couldn’t see past my void.
You were my blind pain,
and I meant more than nothing to you,


You lived in a time and place
Where your soft, caring eyes,
your confident voice,
your creative soul,
and unbridled passion
were masked just
under the weight of your own fear.
Your brilliance,
just hidden.
Naïve ignorance
purely unjustified,
because you were missing my nothing.


I lived in a time and place
where my simples lyrics,
beautiful sighs,
and naked body,
were looking to fill a void
Trying with trysts that were
despicable and despised.
Hate was the new love.
Unknowingly, blindly,
still missing your nothing.


Now-

We live in a time and place
where beauty is in the eye
of the beholder,
but everyone is blind.
We don’t see ourselves
through our own eyes.
They say-
‘An eye for an eye,
leaves us all blind’
yet that’s not the case.
I see you,
and you see me.


We live in this time and place
where backwards became forwards.
Our tears once formed rivers,
waterfalls, and filled lakes.
Now, the sun only comes out at night,
where libations break down walls,
only to build them up again,
then down,
and up.
Callouses forming each time.


I live in a time and place
where you and I now
share the same space.
Take all the past,
throw it away.
Start our new path,
and make every day okay.
Better yet,
make the future,
our future,
perfect for you and me.
I’ll love you forever
as long as you forgive me forever.


Light & Love!

Katness