Welcome to Judgement…

Welcome to Judgement…

..That’s what they told me when I was in the ER for hallucinating and being sleep deprived..

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Thusly, I was admitted to the Psych Ward of that hospital for opiate addiction of all things… (despite my negative tox screen..) My real problem was too much Vyvanse and not enough Xanax, drifting in and out of lucid dreaming, too much TV and not enough time out of my room. What I really needed was a sedative, a nap and a paranoia reality check!

NO SLEEP


P.S. Psych Wards in actual hospitals are the worst places to put a “supposed” addict, (who’s in mind numbing pain, and couldn’t even get an Advil..) which wasn’t what I needed treatment for anyway..


I could start telling you all the crazy stuff I was prescribed at the time.. or all the crazy stuff I supposedly “hallucinated” (maybe I am crazy for thinking it was real..)



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but that might be a different story for a different time…


The point is; the actual place I was forced to stay in was a dirty, disgusting, degrading, uncomfortable, and overall miserable and mind numbing establishment!

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Conditions At Willowbrook State School


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It was one of the most stupid and biggest waste of time I’ve ever spent.

Even better was they made it seem like it was my choice, but if I DIDN’T sign, I’d lose the chance to leave in 3 days, (which never happens btw.. it’s just the carrot on a stick..) OR I could be involuntarily committed, in which case, I’d have to be there for an indeterminate amount of time. (Thanks, Mom..)


I ended up there about a week… barely ate, the food was a disgrace because they served the whole hospital FIRST so when our wing… actually, technically it was another building, finally got it (late, naturally) it was soggy and cold… and usually unrecognizable! The only decent foodthey occasionally tossed our way was either yogurt, pudding or, what I found to be putrid, the “Crustables” …pre packaged PB&J with no crusts… like crusts were too dangerous for us!

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Then there’s my fellow patients who were not only co-ed, but co-issues!

We had:

  • schizoid
  • borderline
  • PTSD
  • brain damage (from an OD)
  • things I couldn’t even identify!
  • ..and a rainbow of other mental health problems

mixed with addicts in all:

  • shapes
  • sizes
  • ages
  • personalities (or lack there of)
  • manners
  • social standing
  • brain function
  • and D.O.C. (Drug of Choice)

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Ironically, I still couldn’t sleep -which was why I was there in the first place – because I was sleeping on a piece of plywood with a one inch, poor excuse of a mattress.

Alarm clock showing 3 a.m.


It kinda worked out because I was usually first awake and could get the fresh towels that didn’t smell like wet dog, (why did hospital towels smell like wet dog?!) I could shower in peace.. in a somewhat clean shower that begged the question; “By whom and when was this place cleaned?!” …because it still had that band-aid stuck to it from yesterday and some curious dark stains on the tile…

Afterward, I was allowed to wash the few pieces of clothing I had. Mama didn’t know what to bring… my brother should be visiting shortly, hopefully he can grab something cute! (Missed the mark a little… people thought I worked there!! I was soooo not prepared for this!)

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It was a real treat… the only things I took from the experience were; being able to touch and help a few lives, learned some new tricks, and how to convince people I’m not crazy… even though I still believe.. 😉

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It did not:

  • do my psyche/mental health any good.
  • dieter me from using my prescription opiates.
  • teach me anything I didn’t already know.
  • provide me with a realistic after care plan.

It DID:

  • embarrass me.. in front of family, friends and worst of all, an old friend/co-worker who just so happened to work there…
  • introduce me to a cute, funny, seemingly normal guy… who ended up eight shades of crazy! (What did I expect?!)
  • give me a funny story to tell, at least…

Word of Advice to Self:

Next time, keep your crazy bottled up like normal people!!


I feel like I have more to add, but I need to join reality now…

TINY MIRACLES


Later, Bitches! 💖

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P.S. – This is me an’ my girls jam from the weekend!! (We just look like good girls.. ) 😉

Bad Girls

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Mind Circles: Rapidly Growing Word Trees

Mind Circles: Rapidly Growing Word Trees

…I had a few ideas of what I wanted to write about.. I even made a little note.. I tried to commit new information to memory(Not an easy task for me)

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My idea’s Were as follows:


  • The concept & deeper meaning of the term: “Throwing in the Towel”.image

  • How HE could hold in anger all night– then rip into me over something else– so he could tie in “the real issue”. (I hate that because “little earlier issue” could have been quashed!)image

 

  • How I could LOVE someone so much – that I would do anything just to make his life happier and easier. (within my means…)image

  • How he’s gotten me to “appreciate” – even like – some boxing movies. <<–best 10 fighters, btw…

(Even though I abhor violence, I did learn stuff..)

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  • Almost forgot one… How these all tie together – what order they really happened, & then order will publish them…

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  • Oh, yeah, and if I get time… Fuckn’ Asteroids – those alien seed droppers are cray crazy! (But don’t really tie in..)

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  • I just can’t seem to focus… my brain is just going in too many tangents…

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Don’t worry…

Be back soon!!

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HELP SAVE THE VAPE!!

I don’t know how many of you that read this “vape”.. but we are in serious trouble…
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Petition Your Legislator NOW to Support HR 2058!

Help save the U.S. vapor industry from

being decimated by improper regulations by the FDA!

The FDA Deeming Authority Clarification Act of 2015 (HR 2058), introduced by Representative Tom Cole of Oklahoma, would save the U.S. vapor industry from being decimated by improper regulations by the FDA. This bill would amend the Food, Drug, and Cosmetics Act to change the predicate date for “deemed tobacco products.” This change would allow for all vapor products currently on the market to remain on the market without being subject to the burdensome (read: prohibitive) pre-market FDA approval application process.

The government is trying to place strict rules on vapes, their flavors, and business selling these products.

In New Jersey, this  explains the bill they are trying to pass.

I’m not sure what’s going on in other states, but it can’t be good..  The above group, CASAA, (Consumer Advocates for Smoke-free Alternatives Association) are working hard to stop, postpone and/or change the bill.  However, they need your help!

truth is freedom(click above to visit their Facebook page)

Many people have misconstrued opinions on vaping:

  • It’s promoting kids to smoke because of their wide variety of flavors
  • The “e-juice” is harmful
  • Vaping around others is dangerous
  • The vapes themselves explode and or catch fire

…and probably other things.

In reality, vaping is perfectly safe (when used properly) and the flavors DO NOT cater to kids- rather adults that don’t want to smell or taste smoke!   E-juice is made from food grade material available to the public and may even be available without nicotine.   Also, unlike cigarettes, there is no such thing as “second-hand smoke”, just water vapor- which you may smell sometimes, but is harmless!  As far as the devices being dangerous, that comes from people misusing them and making their own improperly.

Click here for the TRUTH about vaping!

My Personal Experience

I’m not exactly sure when I started vaping, probably around 2001 or so.  Prior to that I got bronchitis  Every Single Year that I smoked.  Since I quit, guess what?  I only got sick when I was at a concert which banned the use of vaping, yet had an enormous smoking section!

Unfortunately, when I drink I need to smoke vape.. so without my vape I resorted to cigs and got very sick..  If that’s not proof, I don’t know what is!

Now, I gradually reduce the amount of nicotine in my e-juice but will probably still vape with zero because I just like it and it keeps me away from evil cigs.

So, now that Big Tobaccohandgun wants to regulate, limit and/or ban vaping, we won’t have the same options.


This is truly a nightmare and a perfect example of corruption between government and the tobacco industry.  corupt

We need to ban together and stop Big Brother from telling us what to do!

 

That’s all for now..

-Kat

 

 

Live..

(Preemptive: I may have borrowed this and/or some of the prose… I found it in an unmarked conversation in which I wasn’t sure if I was the writer or the recipient… I changed so much of it, that it barely matters… My apologies to whomever I borrowed words.. I feel I adapted enough of it to my own.. you were just an inspiration… Thank you though…)

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Live…

I live in a time and place-
Where little nothing’s mean everything,
and your everything is my tomorrow,
your kisses are words,
my mouth your ears.
Our voices just silhouettes in silence.
In this place,
you mean more than nothing to me.

I lived in a time and place-
where time once stood still.
Looks were blind,
touch was pain,
and in this place-
you were lost to me.
I couldn’t see past my void.
You were my blind pain, 
and I meant more than nothing to you,

You lived in a time and place-
Where your soft, caring eyes,
your confident voice,
your creative soul,
and unbridled passion
were masked just
under the weight of your own fear.
Your brilliance,
just hidden.
Naïve ignorance-
purely unjustified,
because you were missing my nothing.

I lived in a time and place-
where my simples lyrics,
beautiful sighs,
and naked body,
were looking to fill a void
Trying with trysts that were
despicable and despised
Hate was the new love.
Unknowingly, blindly,
still missing your nothing.

Now-

We live in a time and place-
where beauty is in the eye
of the beholder,
but everyone is blind.
We don’t see ourselves
through our own eyes.
They say-
An eye for an eye,
leaves us all blind,
yet that’s not the case.
I see you,
and you see me.

We live in this time and place-
where backwards became forwards.
Our tears once formed rivers,
waterfalls, and filled lakes.
Now, the sun only comes out at night,
where libations break down walls,
only to build them up again,
then down,
and up.
Callouses forming each time.

I live in a time and place-
where you and I now
share the same space.
Take all the past,
throw it away.
Start our new path,
and make every day okay.
Better yet,
make the future,
our future,
perfect for you and me.
I’ll love you forever
as long as you forgive me forever.

Procrastination Nation – I’ll get there… eventually…

Procrastination… Something I’m far too good at… As a matter of fact, I’m doing it right now!  I’m supposed to be getting ready to go out with my beastie…  Instead, I’m writing to you.

I’ll probably be late…

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(If this were true I’d be a size zero…)

I don’t know why… just has always been my downfall… I work better under pressure – or just don’t do things… I’d probably be a renowned writera teachera famous artist or photographeranything but an unemployed, permanently injured, wannabe writer/artist who hasn’t worked since 2011… ( that probably has something to do with it )

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Without a job I have no time table- no structure, and I rarely know what day – or even month – it is… I wrote the year 2004 on something recently!  (that was a great year…)  If it weren’t for doctor appointments and my fiance’s work schedule I’d be useless.

When I stopped working I thought I’d start the novel I have tucked away in my lazy brain.. that never even pretended to start… this [blog] is helping though…

Ok- I seriously have to go…

I suck at time…

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Here again… A Love Story

Well, seems I write my best late at night, when everything is still & quiet..

So- I’m going to tell you a story.  It’s not a story that pertains to my current life – not really something I particularly dwell on – just something I saw on TV that made me think about it.

Once upon a time – as all great stories go – there was a was a man and a woman… destined? I’m not sure – love – I’m completely sure.  Not at ALL like the love I have now… The love I have now is pure and true..  But the love back then was younger, a little more stupid, a little more unpredictable, and clearly – not meant to be.  ::spoiler alert::  He didn’t make it… at all…

As the song goes – “I’ll start from the very beginning, a very good place to start…”

I was 18 – young, dumb and full of myself… He was 24, young, and full of HIMself… but not dumb… in fact he was so worldly and knowledgeable and I think that is what drew me in.

We met at a seedy bar – Kareoke Night – he was hanging out with the DJ – I thought he worked there… I got up and drunkenly sang “Closer” by NIN (I LOVE NIN)

Afterwards, I plopped back at my table – half embarrassed, half exhilarated… half hysterical… then I feel a tap on my shoulder – (I feel like I should tell you what I looked like – 5’10”, l 60,  short pixy cut hair, pierced lip, 5-6 holes in my ears, wide leg jeans, and a tank top… It was the 90’s, I was trying to pull off this punk rock /raver/ goth thing… He was just in jeans and a yellow shirt – BUT he also had a pierced lip…)

So after the tap on my shoulder all he said was “I like that thing in your lip…” Stumbling and flabbergasted and tripping over my Words – all I could say was “I like that thing in YOUR lip…” Him: “I can’t believe you just sang that”  Me: “Yeah, well, I’m a little drunk…”  giggled… blushed… and that was it… We exchanged numbers – talked on the phone every night – found out he owned a record shop (How Awesome?) and after a few dates, that’s where we spent the majority of the time.

Now- the rest of the story is blurry.. He loved, and I loved- he despised – I followed like a puppy who just tinkled on the carpet.   We danced- broke up- got back together – I got him the most thoughtful gifts – He got me wilted flowers and pregnant a day late after Valentine Day, I gave all I could… it wasn’t good enough.

After We broke up – in a diner – left we with the check – so I dumped food & cigarettes all over his car…. THEN –  My so – called – best- friend took up my sloppy seconds.

Now- I don’t know EXACTLY what happened next… Just that I found out he Killed Himself- found out while I was in the parking lot of a hotel in which we made love and debochory.

That night I saw him and wished he were dead… words I will never utter again.

He Was a talented, beautiful, smart waste of life.  Not a day goes by that I don’t miss him or wonder what or where he’d be right now..

Point of story; suicide is NEVER the answer…  You leave behind to many broken hearts and unanswered questions… I’ve thought about it… then I think of him – and all the mess I’d leave behind… including, most importantly, my soon to be husband, my cat & my family and friends.

You may feel alone- but you’re NOT!  Yoh will leave an unattainable, empty hole SOMEWHERE…

He may not have been my greatest love- but he was my first – and I see him everywhere… My Adonis.

Back to Life.. Back to Insomnia

Ugg… My sleep schedule is so messed up!

I had the worst night’s sleep… Had Insomnia last night, slept until about 4pm TODAY… figured I’d just “Addie up” and stay up… again all night.

I have stuff to do do tomorrow/today anyway… so I’ll just stay and get an early start… I actually just started laundry… I prefer doing stuff at night anyway… it’s quiet and no one is bothering me…

If you’re in my club- listen to this: