Here again… A Love Story

Well, seems I write my best late at night, when everything is still & quiet..

So- I’m going to tell you a story.  It’s not a story that pertains to my current life – not really something I particularly dwell on – just something I saw on TV that made me think about it.

Once upon a time – as all great stories go – there was a was a man and a woman… destined? I’m not sure – love – I’m completely sure.  Not at ALL like the love I have now… The love I have now is pure and true..  But the love back then was younger, a little more stupid, a little more unpredictable, and clearly – not meant to be.  ::spoiler alert::  He didn’t make it… at all…

As the song goes – “I’ll start from the very beginning, a very good place to start…”

I was 18 – young, dumb and full of myself… He was 24, young, and full of HIMself… but not dumb… in fact he was so worldly and knowledgeable and I think that is what drew me in.

We met at a seedy bar – Kareoke Night – he was hanging out with the DJ – I thought he worked there… I got up and drunkenly sang “Closer” by NIN (I LOVE NIN)

Afterwards, I plopped back at my table – half embarrassed, half exhilarated… half hysterical… then I feel a tap on my shoulder – (I feel like I should tell you what I looked like – 5’10”, l 60,  short pixy cut hair, pierced lip, 5-6 holes in my ears, wide leg jeans, and a tank top… It was the 90’s, I was trying to pull off this punk rock /raver/ goth thing… He was just in jeans and a yellow shirt – BUT he also had a pierced lip…)

So after the tap on my shoulder all he said was “I like that thing in your lip…” Stumbling and flabbergasted and tripping over my Words – all I could say was “I like that thing in YOUR lip…” Him: “I can’t believe you just sang that”  Me: “Yeah, well, I’m a little drunk…”  giggled… blushed… and that was it… We exchanged numbers – talked on the phone every night – found out he owned a record shop (How Awesome?) and after a few dates, that’s where we spent the majority of the time.

Now- the rest of the story is blurry.. He loved, and I loved- he despised – I followed like a puppy who just tinkled on the carpet.   We danced- broke up- got back together – I got him the most thoughtful gifts – He got me wilted flowers and pregnant a day late after Valentine Day, I gave all I could… it wasn’t good enough.

After We broke up – in a diner – left we with the check – so I dumped food & cigarettes all over his car…. THEN –  My so – called – best- friend took up my sloppy seconds.

Now- I don’t know EXACTLY what happened next… Just that I found out he Killed Himself- found out while I was in the parking lot of a hotel in which we made love and debochory.

That night I saw him and wished he were dead… words I will never utter again.

He Was a talented, beautiful, smart waste of life.  Not a day goes by that I don’t miss him or wonder what or where he’d be right now..

Point of story; suicide is NEVER the answer…  You leave behind to many broken hearts and unanswered questions… I’ve thought about it… then I think of him – and all the mess I’d leave behind… including, most importantly, my soon to be husband, my cat & my family and friends.

You may feel alone- but you’re NOT!  Yoh will leave an unattainable, empty hole SOMEWHERE…

He may not have been my greatest love- but he was my first – and I see him everywhere… My Adonis.

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2 thoughts on “Here again… A Love Story

  1. Why is it always about how others will feel?

    I mean, when women reject me it’s their right and the world doesn’t owe me sex and I should man up. I’m fine with that. No one should have sex against their will.

    But when I want to kill myself, to dispose of my OWN body (And I never chose to live! I never chose to be born!) why is everyone’s feelings suddenly matter?

    I never wanted to live. Living is bad for me. Let me exit.

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    1. I’m sorry feel that way.. of course it’s you’re choice – and I beleive it was you’re choice to live (reincarnation and all that) If you truly feel life is bad for you, maybe you need to make some changes – or maybe you’re chronically ill – I don’t know your life- I just feel that for me I’d do more damage than good if I took my life. I just know how “I” felt loosing someone that way and am just sharing my opinion. I hope you choose life – I hope you have people – or a pet – that would miss you. Now that you posted this comment I’ll wonder and care if you’re alive… yet knowing that gut wrenching feeling you have – I understand if you’re not.

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