Well, seems I write my best late at night, when everything is still & quiet..
So- I’m going to tell you a story. It’s not a story that pertains to my current life – not really something I particularly dwell on – just something I saw on TV that made me think about it.
Once upon a time – as all great stories go – there was a was a man and a woman… destined? I’m not sure – love – I’m completely sure. Not at ALL like the love I have now… The love I have now is pure and true.. But the love back then was younger, a little more stupid, a little more unpredictable, and clearly – not meant to be. ::spoiler alert:: He didn’t make it… at all…
As the song goes – “I’ll start from the very beginning, a very good place to start…”
I was 18 – young, dumb and full of myself… He was 24, young, and full of HIMself… but not dumb… in fact he was so worldly and knowledgeable and I think that is what drew me in.
We met at a seedy bar – Kareoke Night – he was hanging out with the DJ – I thought he worked there… I got up and drunkenly sang “Closer” by NIN (I LOVE NIN)
Afterwards, I plopped back at my table – half embarrassed, half exhilarated… half hysterical… then I feel a tap on my shoulder – (I feel like I should tell you what I looked like – 5’10”, l 60, short pixy cut hair, pierced lip, 5-6 holes in my ears, wide leg jeans, and a tank top… It was the 90’s, I was trying to pull off this punk rock /raver/ goth thing… He was just in jeans and a yellow shirt – BUT he also had a pierced lip…)
So after the tap on my shoulder all he said was “I like that thing in your lip…” Stumbling and flabbergasted and tripping over my Words – all I could say was “I like that thing in YOUR lip…” Him: “I can’t believe you just sang that” Me: “Yeah, well, I’m a little drunk…” giggled… blushed… and that was it… We exchanged numbers – talked on the phone every night – found out he owned a record shop (How Awesome?) and after a few dates, that’s where we spent the majority of the time.
Now- the rest of the story is blurry.. He loved, and I loved- he despised – I followed like a puppy who just tinkled on the carpet. We danced- broke up- got back together – I got him the most thoughtful gifts – He got me wilted flowers and pregnant a day late after Valentine Day, I gave all I could… it wasn’t good enough.
After We broke up – in a diner – left we with the check – so I dumped food & cigarettes all over his car…. THEN – My so – called – best- friend took up my sloppy seconds.
Now- I don’t know EXACTLY what happened next… Just that I found out he Killed Himself- found out while I was in the parking lot of a hotel in which we made love and debochory.
That night I saw him and wished he were dead… words I will never utter again.
He Was a talented, beautiful, smart waste of life. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss him or wonder what or where he’d be right now..
Point of story; suicide is NEVER the answer… You leave behind to many broken hearts and unanswered questions… I’ve thought about it… then I think of him – and all the mess I’d leave behind… including, most importantly, my soon to be husband, my cat & my family and friends.
You may feel alone- but you’re NOT! Yoh will leave an unattainable, empty hole SOMEWHERE…
He may not have been my greatest love- but he was my first – and I see him everywhere… My Adonis.