Well, seems I write my best late at night, when everything is still & quiet..
So- I’m going to tell you a story. It’s not a story that pertains to my current life – not really something I particularly dwell on – just something I saw on TV that made me think about it.
Once upon a time – as all great stories go – there was a was a man
and a woman…
Not quite… Love? I’m completely sure. (Not at ALL like the love I have now… The love I have now is pure and true..) But the love back then was younger, a little more stupid, a little more unpredictable, and clearly – not meant to be.
::spoiler alert:: He didn’t make it… at all…
As the song goes – “I’ll start from the very beginning, a very good place to start…”
I was 18 – young, dumb and full of myself… He was 24, young, and full of HIMself… but not dumb… in fact he was so worldly and knowledgeable and I think that is what drew me in.
We met at a seedy bar – Karaoke Night – he was hanging out with the DJ – I thought he worked there… I got up and drunkenly sang “Closer” by NIN (I LOVE NIN)
Afterwards, I plopped back at my table – half embarrassed, half exhilarated… half hysterical… then I feel a tap on my shoulder…
I feel like I should tell you what I looked like; 5’10”, l60, short, dark, pixy cut hair, pierced lip, 5-6 holes in each ear, wide leg jeans, and a tank top… It was the 90’s, I was trying to pull off this punk rock /raver/ goth thing… Don’t judge!! He was just in jeans and a yellow shirt – BUT he also had a pierced lip…
So after the tap on my shoulder all he said was “I like that thing in your lip…”
Stumbling and flabbergasted and tripping over my Words – all I could say was “I like that thing in YOUR lip…”
Him: “I can’t believe you just sang that” Me: “Yeah, well, I’m a little drunk…” giggled… blushed… and that was it… We exchanged numbers – talked on the phone every night – found out he owned a record shop (How Awesome?) and after a few dates, that’s where we spent the majority of the time.
Now- the rest of the story is blurry.. He loved, and I loved- he despised – I followed like a lost puppy. We danced- broke up- got back together – I got him the most thoughtful gifts – He got me wilted flowers and pregnant a day late after Valentine Day, I gave all I could… it wasn’t good enough.
We ended up braking up… in a DINER.. and he left me with the check! Therefore, I felt justified to dump our food & cigarettes, plus other patrons, all over his car!
THEN – My so – called – best- friend took up my sloppy seconds.
Now- I don’t know EXACTLY what happened next… Just that when I found out he Killed Himself I was in the parking lot of a hotel in which we once got stranded.
Then I realized that I saw him that night… and wished he were dead… Words I will never utter again.
He was talented, beautiful, smart, and a waste of a young life. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss him or wonder what or where he’d be right now..
Point of story; suicide is NEVER the answer… You leave behind to many broken hearts and unanswered questions… I’ve thought about it… then I think of him – and all the mess I’d leave behind… including; most importantly, my cat, my family, my Love and what few friends remain.
You may feel alone- but you’re NOT! You will leave an unattainable, empty hole SOMEWHERE…
He may not have been my greatest love- but he was my first – and I see him everywhere… My Adonis.
Thanks for reading…
Light & Love!