K just kl
Ttyt up y far .
K just kl
Ttyt up y far .
…but sometimes they lay uninspired thinking about the moonlight at 4:30 in the morning but it’s really two in the afternoon.
While the alarm clock is going off in another room far away the music keeps drowning it out.
Obsessed with the passing of time and passing of friends.
Each keep ticking by and are gone forever.
Neither missed nor remembered for more than their worth. Nothing remembered. Nothing forgotten…
I may have been dreaming…
Holding tightly onto your Rich name and other phrases of such words that hold on to so much of my past.
Remind me again, please?
Why I left those things behind that make my belly tighten and twist with your meer whisper?
Endlessly – you used to run rampant in my mind; wild and madly, free and enchanting.
Whirlwind wherever you went.
Chaos and anger were your solace.
Blindly throughout I followed around on your coattails, hoping you’d see my shadow…
But now, a different time, a different place. Can we even say we know each other?
Long stares you give across the room are deep… beckoning.
Like a polar force, soft kisses echo between our lips making the only sound.
Gone. Again, he runs right through me…
Once your movements were angry and harsh, but tonight you run fluid around me, circles and steps that make me spin! Into your arms I fall from grace as you catch me and look into my soul. For what? A clue? An answer? A reason to keep moving?
I blink and I’m alone again.
He looks so peaceful. His lanky form – dancing in the dark, deafening music. Strong and refined…
…slowly, becoming scared of his growing lust, I hide – not well.
The rhythms are quickening his pace…
– spinning, he looses his past that was just barely hiding.
Alone, I was found – by a lack of wall that was jumped in blinding passion – trapped by the same wayward walls that sustained the majestic throes of two Scorpio lovers.
(…never again shall I see that stall quite like it was that night.)
I may have been dreaming… or maybe a dream come true?
Or maybe, now, I’m trying to suicide the past with eternal sunshine.
Otherwise, I’m drowning in his isolated, cruel vanity…
Trying in vain to purify what once should never have been and never will again…
Whoosh!!! That was a blast from the past! Hope ya liked it bitches!
Love & Light
ORIGINAL POST: An 0pen Letter to the Girl With a Heavy Heart
I WISH I wrote this!! Talk about nail on the head! ( I added the pictures… )
Dear Girl with a Heavy Heart,
I just want you to know that it’s okay and that everything is going to turn out fine.
Even if you’re just passively laying down on your back, trying to fight the tears that are building up in your eyes, you should know that your feelings are valid. You don’t have to feel bad about feeling weak. It’s perfectly normal and you shouldn’t pressure yourself into feeling better right away even when you’re still struggling with your emotions.
For the longest time now, the thought of having to get your life in order has been plaguing your mind. The prospect of having to iron out your future has been weighing down heavily on you. It gets even more difficult to think that all the people around you seem to have their lives on track. They look as if they have things all figured out while you’re left scrambling for crumbs and pieces. They look as if they’re just gallantly cruising through life’s road of luxury and leisure while you’re breaking your back just trying to stay afloat.
Whenever you get the slightest taste of consistency and stability, something happens that knocks you off. You end up losing your momentum and you have to claw your way back to where you were. You think that all of your bad luck is a result of your weaknesses and your own flaws. You think that the reason why you can’t seem to find the kind of success that other people seem to be getting is because you are a lesser brand of human being. You keep on killing yourself trying to make ends meet and you still fall short. You beat yourself over and over again, punishing yourself for not doing better; for not being perfect. You keep playing scenarios over and over again in your head, trying to see how you could have done things differently to yield more favorable outcomes. You become stressed and anxious at the idea of you having to face more challenges in the future and still not being strong enough to overcome them. The thought of the future terrifies you and your heart grows even wearer than it already is.
You’re deeply frightened and that’s okay. You are afraid because you don’t think that you are ever going to be strong enough to pursue the life that you want for yourself. You don’t think that you have what it takes to actually be a strong person. You are afraid that other people are just going to keep on going strong with their lives while you get left in the dust with nothing to show for it. You are frightened because you are deeply affected by what other people have to think or say about you. You don’t want to fall short of the expectations that you think society has set for you. You are terrified at the thought of people giving up on you once they see you for the weakling that you believe yourself to be. You are afraid that no one will want anything to have to do with a loser like yourself. That’s perfectly fine. These are reasonable fears to have and you shouldn’t be ashamed for having them. Anyone in your shoe would be frightened as well, and there a lot of people out there who share similar fears too.
But there is something that you and everyone else like you need to know. You’re going to turn out fine. You are going to be alright.
So for now, if you feel like those tears are about to fall, just let them. Let them flow. Get it all out of your system. You are feeling particularly vulnerable right now and that’s normal. Everyone has vulnerabilities and it’s okay for you to act on them. It’s okay to be insecure at times. Everyone has to deal with insecurity in some shape or form. No one should get to judge you on how you choose to deal with yours. You don’t have to feel so bad about thinking that you don’t have everything figured out. You’re going to get to a point of comfort eventually and that’s something that you can look forward to. But for now, let yourself feel all of the sadness. Accept that you are human and that you can’t always going to be perfect.
Appreciate all of the bad times and the struggles that you’re experiencing right now because they will make all of the success and the good times so much sweeter. Appreciate all of the failures in your life at the moment and treat them like learning experiences. Failure is only permanent when you don’t learn from it. You’re going to make it. You’re going to grow into yourself and all of your struggles are going to be worth it. Just be sure to never give up on yourself and always believe in your dreams.
..That’s what they told me when I was in the ER for hallucinating and being sleep deprived..
Thusly, I was admitted to the Psych Ward of that hospital for opiate addiction of all things… (despite my negative tox screen..) My real problem was too much Vyvanse and not enough Xanax, drifting in and out of lucid dreaming, too much TV and not enough time out of my room. What I really needed was a sedative, a nap and a paranoia reality check!
P.S.– Psych Wards in actual hospitals are the worst places to put a “supposed” addict, (who’s in mind numbing pain, and couldn’t even get an Advil..) which wasn’t what I needed treatment for anyway..
I could start telling you all the crazy stuff I was prescribed at the time.. or all the crazy stuff I supposedly “hallucinated” (maybe I am crazy for thinking it was real..)
…but that might be a different story for a different time…
The point is; the actual place I was forced to stay in was a dirty, disgusting, degrading, uncomfortable, and overall miserable and mind numbing establishment!
It was one of the most stupid and biggest waste of time I’ve ever spent.
Even better was they made it seem like it was my choice, but if I DIDN’T sign, I’d lose the chance to leave in 3 days, (which never happens btw.. it’s just the carrot on a stick..) OR I could be involuntarily committed, in which case, I’d have to be there for an indeterminate amount of time. (Thanks, Mom..)
I ended up there about a week… barely ate, the food was a disgrace because they served the whole hospital FIRST so when our wing… actually, technically it was another building, finally got it (late, naturally) it was soggy and cold… and usually unrecognizable! The only decent foodthey occasionally tossed our way was either yogurt, pudding or, what I found to be putrid, the “Crustables” …pre packaged PB&J with no crusts… like crusts were too dangerous for us!
Then there’s my fellow patients who were not only co-ed, but co-issues!
mixed with addicts in all:
Ironically, I still couldn’t sleep -which was why I was there in the first place – because I was sleeping on a piece of plywood with a one inch, poor excuse of a mattress.
It kinda worked out because I was usually first awake and could get the fresh towels that didn’t smell like wet dog, (why did hospital towels smell like wet dog?!) I could shower in peace.. in a somewhat clean shower that begged the question; “By whom and when was this place cleaned?!” …because it still had that band-aid stuck to it from yesterday and some curious dark stains on the tile…
Afterward, I was allowed to wash the few pieces of clothing I had. Mama didn’t know what to bring… my brother should be visiting shortly, hopefully he can grab something cute! (Missed the mark a little… people thought I worked there!! I was soooo not prepared for this!)
It was a real treat… the only things I took from the experience were; being able to touch and help a few lives, learned some new tricks, and how to convince people I’m not crazy… even though I still believe.. 😉
It did not:
Word of Advice to Self:
Next time, keep your crazy bottled up like normal people!!
I feel like I have more to add, but I need to join reality now…
Later, Bitches! 💖
P.S. – This is me an’ my girls jam from the weekend!! (We just look like good girls.. ) 😉
…I had a few ideas of what I wanted to write about.. I even made a little note.. I tried to commit new information to memory… (Not an easy task for me)
My idea’s Were as follows:
(Even though I abhor violence, I did learn stuff..)
Be back soon!!
…are they ever justified? Forgivable? Are we able to “move forward“? ”Forget the past“? “Live and let learn?” …or any other cliche to make us feel better?
I just watchd a TV show where deplorable acts were just fixed with simple sorries or lust- filled ignorant bliss! Either that, or dramatic overtures of hatred and spite, followed by eternal silence.
Are those our only options?
What is REALLY the apporpiriate response when the deepest of trust is broken, shattered, cracked or just nicked?
I suppose every stitch is different…
Personally- I forgave… didn’t quite forget.. (at first..)
Other times- vengence was on the menu.
Yet, others- don’t even register on my radar any more…
THEN- I wonder: what about when I was the offender?
How was I perceived?
Am I secretly hated somewhere? Did I break a heart? Have I been forgiven or forgotten? Immortalized? Cursed?
Is it different when a man betrays a woman… or vice versa?
Who hurts whom worse?
My bet is on us, Females!
We may ACT like it hurts more.. but 98% of the time, the MEN loose more..
That’s right… I said it…
I clearly can see my future,
Beyond the struggle and strife,
My path slowly reveals itself,
The so-called “silver lining” shines,
Or was it just a glimmer?
Muddied and murky with silt,
Like a deep,
The puddle is smooth as glass,
Others it’s a wild, running river,
Raging downstream towards life.
Cold, silent under currents,
Sharp, looming boulders,
The perfect landscape for chaos,
A backdrop to my sanity,
As I stand upstream-
Safely planted ashore,
Paralyzed with inexplicable fear,
For I procured the recipe,
“How to Manifest My Own Destiny”
Unfortunately, it’s hidden – nay lost,
Within the dark, endless files of my mind.
Will I leave sand for water?